It’s weird

I usually pride myself on my independence, but lately I’ve been finding myself constantly needing to be around him. All my thoughts seem to be filled with wishing he was here with me and when’s the next time I get to be with him.

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It’s a scary thing opening your heart to someone new. You ask yourself , is he going to like everything about you like the last one did ? Is he going to hate your hair in the morning or your need to constantly be kissed ?Those butterflies I thought I’d never feel again are starting to make an appearance. It is beautiful to find someone who can be in love with your mind and be patient with all the walls you have built up around it.I get excited to hold his hand. He has no problem making me smile and definitely appreciates my weirdness.I fell for him so quickly that now I’ve become one of those people I always complained about. You know, the ones who say someone else’s name 10 times before they say their own.

Silly girl.

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I was going to say some nice things… but then I did something really stupid

1.Let’s start playing the made up game of, I want to talk to you but I want you to call/text me, so I’m going to not call/text you and just wait for you to reach out to me…then get irritated when you don’t.

2.Get high . I shouldn’t call or text people when I’m high I get super emotional, say stuff I usually keep to myself and feel extra embarrassed the next day.

3.“I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone.” – Kurt Vonnegut

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4.Everyone knows high/drunk  texting never ends well…..sorry. sorry. sorry.

5.I think we’ve all, at least at one point in our lives, had that one person we would talk to every hour of  every day if we could, but chose not to because we didn’t want to hint that we might feel more for them than they do for us.

6.Fuck ! I really said all that.

 

 

 

 

 

Say something

Say something, I’m giving up on you,

I’ll be the one, if you want me to.

Anywhere I would’ve followed you.

Say something, I’m giving up on you.

 

 

 

Courage

“I like you.I always did . I can talk to you about anything that’s on my mind; with you it’s different, completely different. The way we joke around and talk, when we hang out, it’s just amazing .I don’t have to act like something or someone I’m not and I love that. I feel like I can be real around you. Like I don’t have to hide anything. Of course just the fact that I really like you .

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But the truth is that you have no idea what I am feeling and you probably never will , because I’m too scared to tell and you don’t care enough to ask.You’re probably never going to see this, and I don’t mind that. I just wish you knew how I feel about you.”

I should send him this , maybe he will have an unexpected reaction . I am pretty realistic that there is a really really slim  chance I could get the answer  that I want . I should just try . And I will ! (as soon as I will have have enough courage to do this , and that will take a lot of time and  a lot of booze , I can’t do this sober , because of the fear of him rejecting me…).

So wish me luck !  

Tell me how to pretend I feel nothing !

She hates you . She hates you how you broke her heart when she confessed her true feelings.  She hates how you messed up her life  ,when all she did is thought about you and be honest with you . She hates herself for doing all of these , yet she can’t stop ,  because her love for you. 

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Feeling helpless , because she wants to tell you that she still loves you , that she is hurting and crying like hell. But she can’t , and that hurts her more , because you’re not hers anymore  .

What do you do when someone you love lets you down…really fucks you over ?

 I feel so emotional right now , but I don’t feel like crying , just plain sad .I can’t act like that tough . I have to put a smile on my face and be the hyper , happy girl I usually am .

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Well , he broke my heart , but that is actually a good thing , because i could’ve fallen in love with him . I knew that I was close, because I felt some indescribable things the more I saw him . So on my birthday we met , he talked , I listened, he gave me a bag  , I cried , he left , I left. After that ,  I tried to keep it to myself , and it was a really bad decision . I didn’t want to talk about it , I tought the problem would simply go away if I will never mention it again . Guess what , it didn’t happen that way  .Silly me , right ?  

Eventually , I opened up to somebody , and it felt so good ! It also made me realize , that I wasn’t mad at the one who broke my heart , I was mad at me , because I just stood there and listened and , cried and left , without saying something . I can’t say it wasn’t my fault that we broke up this way , I couldn’t decide if I wanted him or not  , so I can’t stop thinking that maybe if I have said something sooner , it could’ve ended differently . But , I still think that this break up will make me some good , and now I can actually move on , without hoping there will be something between us again . 

Almost a kiss

Our eyes locked across the room . Although the distance between us is vast it feels as if doesn’t exist . The pounding in my chest must be audible . How could it not ? The room shrinks as we stand , immobile.  The closer we get , the harder the beat , until I’m certain that my heart must be trying to escape the confines of my chest . My mouth opens with no words to escape . The undeniable power between us , its strength,  is all consuming and I can’t breathe trough the pain . Your nose brushes against mine , hot breathe against my lips . Fingers interlock as your hands trap mine in my rump .

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Slowly I blow the smoke in your mouth and our lips just touch . I say sorry , you say , no problem , and it happens over and over again . My lips burn like fire , your kiss the only salvation. A burning in my soul , desperate for containment . Jump . Jump . Jump . Beat . Beat . Beat . The heart begs for what the mind fights against but the war is already won , the impossible is possible if only in this moment . Suddenly the mind takes over and everything changes , and the only thing you can say to ruin this perfect moment is that you miss someone else , and you start saying this , believing that if you will say it enough times , you will actually believe it . But deep in your heart, you already know the truth , you like him , you really like him , the one that makes your heart jump out when you see him , or talk to him , or even get a text from him . So if you know the truth , why don’t you face it ? You can face everything , because you’re one of the brave ones , but why can’t you be brave when it comes to him ? I would really like an answer to that , maybe I will understand why I can’t face this problem , I mean feeling .